have you ever had a moment of silence, so quiet that your eye sight goes blurry?
everything sounded too strange to understand. you ever thought about how quiet moments actually gave you really good reflection time? sometimes you reflect about nothing, sometimes you reflect about something that impacts you the most. honestly, i don't have much to reflect about. maybe about my actions in the past, but i hardly think of them because i don't want to relive them. everyone has their scars. thats the line that kicked me in the behind really hard. maybe i just want to let you know, if you have a scar, a painful memory of the past. you're not the only one. and it's not wrong to leave it behind. maybe it's best you leave it behind. you know, i feel really thankful. because i have had a lota second chances, maybe way too many for someone like me. i've made big big mistakes even tho i've only lived a mere 16 and a half years. and presently, i'm having my probably 23rd second chance. but this is up till date, yet the biggest second chance. a new life, with new friends, new everything. but i'll tell you one thing. there are some things i hold on to that i will never let go. my family, friends, God and of course my interests (4th avenue). i am thankful i'm at a whole new place to start a whole new life, being me. you know, it's only when you open up to different people will you find out whether you are being the real you and how people think of the real you. theres this line in the bible which i can't really remember how it goes. but i really liked the concept of it. it went something like. when you do something, okay wait. i remember. whatever your right hand does, make sure your left hand doesnt know. and it's meaning is, whatever good you do, there is no need of proclaiming it. and i have ever had the two voices in my head believe it or not. one telling me, just tell it to him infront of them all so they will think you're nice. and the other saying, maybe i'll just do it so he doesn't have too many things to do at a time. what i chose i will keep to myself. and believe it or not, i've just used the concept right now. contradicting myself. i don't know who will read this, but since it's a diary, i'm just gonna write. or type. well, zac isnt home right now. he's out with a friend. it's 12:51am. it's been a really boring school holiday so far. i only have work to keep me company, i've only been to the beach a few times and havent really hung out with my friends here. i just still find it really hard to do it. it's a total new culture and all. i'm just trying to do what everyone is trying to do. you ask me what is that. i'll tell you. it's called fitting in. well, everyone tries to fit in. or else you'll be alone. and left to be mocked. i don't know where is the next sentence im gonna type out gonna lead me to. i'm just typing everything that is coming out of my brain right now.i'm really happy for some of my friends. they found their happiness. and at the same time some have lost theirs, and i'm feeling for them too. you know what people who migrate here say? the first few nights of your stay here, you will hear a long sharp sound in your head. and it will be there for the rest of the night until you get used to it. wanna know what sound is that? it's called silence. silence so quiet your head makes you think you hear something. sorry about that. went to read my msgs from msn. just found out my friend has a website for his clothing line, with a new name.i'm proud of him and wheres he's come to. you wanna know what makes you cool? well i want to also. and i'm gonna find out. you know, about 30 mins ago i was talking to my parents. about my plans for my future, honestly speaking i'm kinda shocked that i would have to think about it so quick. i'm growing up already. for god's sake, i'm not 13 anymore. but i wished i was. anyway, we talked alot and we talked about when i was young. i know i still have a little memory of when i was about a year old. my dad came home from badminton and i was in my little baby roller things. and he walked to the kitchen so i kicked my way there to see him. and from the living room i rolled in the thing to the kitchen, dropping a lil step down into the kitchen floor. he smiled at me, he was drinking his water. i tried going back into th eliving room. but i couldn't get up the little step. and he carried me to the living room. it doesnt seem like its a big deal. but it's so important to me, this little memory. i love my dad so much, sometimes i seem to be neglecting him and his health. i'm afraid to lose him and my mum. there was once my dad went overseas for a business trip. i grabbed a photo of him and i, he was holding me in the photo while we were on this boat afraid i would fall over. i cried to sleep holding the photo in my hand. sometimes i feel i take for granted to many things. sometimes i feel i take everything for granted. and i'm sorry to those i've taken for granted. how do you end a thought like that. i mean, how do you get a perfect ending? i don't know how to do one. well. END.

love
nigel

thanks for reading & listening.
means alot.