it's okay to hide.

one thing i've learnt is when you feel all bottled up and low, theres nothing wrong going to your shell and hide. it's actually fruitful, depending on what you do. deposit the bad stuff, dont keep all the good stuff. sometimes less is more. the more space you have, the more good stuff you can take. my dear friends, even when we tell each other and advise each other about things, when we say we will always be there for each other. but bear in mind, we all have our own cross to carry and in the long run we're going to get through it all alone. when i look at my friends fight/quarrel or whatever, and i think back to myself and ask why do we have to do this? it pains me having to watch this happen when i'm all the way here. is it worth having 50 friends when most of them never learn how to compromise or just have 5 friends and live happily. australia is so different from singapore. especially the people. when you go to a party, and you see your friend making out with another girl from some random group, you dont get people talking and start bitching about any of them or how slutty she is. lets just say, singaporeans are nosy. or even say singaporeans love making other people's business their own.not pint pointing to anyone. but i just think we teenagers nowadays lack the ability of thinking of consequences and BALANCING whether it's for a good cause or for a cause you think is good for you. it's not just a short process of whether you thought about the consequences and it makes you feel good. this world is filled with scheming bastards, be it your friend or not. from this point on, i'm gonna be waffling my way till i decide to stop. sometimes i wish my friends can think the way i do. not saying i have the best thinking, but i think my thinking will cause lesser problems. you can't have everything you want, and even if you think you can have something and it feels so real and it's definitely gonna be there but you find out it wont be yours and it wont go your way. don't force your way to it, you wont get there. YOU CANT HAVE EVERYTHING YOU WANT OR WHAT YOU THINK YOU CAN HAVE. shit happens. FUCKING SHIT HAPPENS. bear that in mind. i miss the old days where i hang out with my 2 buddies from school/ church/ servers. marc and gabriel. you two really helped me so much in building my character. you two laid the foundation down for me. heaps of shit happened between us but we held on soo god damn tightly. i love you two. our history remains our history. i wouldn't trade the world for any memories we shared. well one thing is, you two were lucky to find good girlfriends that will last. i guess i was a failed experiment. hah. maybe one day, maybe not. this year is quite shit actually to think about it. so much bad shit has happened more than the good stuff. i just want to get this year over and done with. i wanna get out of so many of my classes in school. i'm so afraid of my future, i'm so afraid to plan. i dont know where i'll be 2 years down the road. what will i be doing? i only have rough drafts of plans of what i want to do but im damn helll sure that i'm not putting the effort into it, why? cause i'm afraid. my life is missing something, it's not a girl. but it's something more. and what makes me think that i will ever find that something that will make my life all happy and shit. maybe i would find something less than perfect but still be happy with it. may angels lead you in. such a good song by JEW, ha! i just realised that. Jimmy Eat World. well they're probably jew anyways. let me pose a question, what do you tell ppl when they ask why do you listen to your sorta music. your genre. i listen to mainly emo and stuff, but it really all depends on my moods. i guess i just listen to songs that fits my mood. songs that make me feel comfortable with how i'm feeling. i guess music is my only comfort zone now. good ol' music. do you know jeff buckley? did you know he died of depression? he covered the song hallelujah. and most of his songs were very depressing. these are the people who actually have passion. real thick rock hard passion. you know i hate people who lie to their parents. if it's a little small white lie, it's cool. but when they lie about something that is so god damn mother fucking big. it pisses me off so damn bad. i mean, even if you're spoilt and you're god damn old enough. think man. seriously. THINK! consequences, good or bad? effectiveness? thank god i actually came here to study. what i learn in class i can damn hell apply it in life. analysing, thinking about it's effectiveness, comparing and all that shit. it makes you understand and start thinking. it actually moulds you. oh, and i sooo hate it when people tell others to do things and say stuff like, oh if you're not then why should i. that sorta shit. fucking stop telling each other about it. you people know what is ideal. start working towards it. for the last few days, i've been sent out of class and i always look at this poster that says, "if you want respect, be the first to show it." it applys to the situation as well. you think someone's not mature, why not you start thinking and be more mature and be the role model for ppl to learn and follow. nowadays, i'm so afraid to appear online when i go online. cause for the last week or 2 i've understood how loneliness sometimes feels so good. for now, i just wish my family could sit down as a whole family and have a nice family dinner. i miss having a family dinner. in about 17 days, it will be exactly a year our family haven't sat down together as a family and have a meal. do you want to be famous? i think being famous is cool. i wouldn't mind being famous if i could. ha. the feeling would be awesome, walking around and people go like. whoa look who it is that sorta thing. thats soo cool. my eyes lids are like half opened. i'm so tired. having a headache and stuff. lets hope i'll still be sick in the morning tmr. so i wont have to go to school. oh man, fuck this. i cant be fucked typing anymore. bye